The laws of physics in Fantasy
#1 - First law of motion
If it has four legs and a tail it automatically is as fast as a sports car
#2 Second law of motion
If said animal is as fast as said car then a chariot or stage coach is three times as fast and covers less ground.
#3 Final law of motion, anti-motion
All vehicles and other modes of transportation are subject to stop as soon as the enemy has been rendered non operative.
#4 First law of temporal mortality
Any minion or henchmen of any size, weight, height, or talents are easily defeated in one of three ways
I. Said minion will go down with one or two blows to their body
II. Said minions will take along time to kill and set up their own demise when said hero or heroine realizes their folly
III. Said minion will most likely be beaten or bludgeoned enough that they will give up standing up and lie down to feign death for fear or hero/ heroine seeking their demise.
#5 Second law of temporal mortality
The hero or villain of any story will ultimately be defeated by one of many ways
I. Said person will be killed so quickly that the view of which is slowed and both members of said fight are shown with the same facial expression until one body falls down, usually the villain.
II. Said persons will fight in a long epic struggle and be gloriously defeated in a fantastic show of strength magic or skill.
III. Villains will ultimately be destroyed by their own decorations (giant fissures in their lair, strategically places chandeliers, their own traps or trophies, giant statues that easily crumble with pressure and shaking ect.)
IV. Heros and heroines will ultimately die warm in their beds with their lover holding their hand.
#6 Law of D.I.D (damsel in distress)
Whenever the hero catches up to a damsel in distress. whether said damsel is of the male variety or not. One of these corollaries is in effect
I. Said damsel hides in a corner or cage or whatever facility she/he is kept in until she/he can help the hero from sure death with a blow to the body of said captor
II. Said damsel is otherwise engaged in fighting off the captors henchmen while the hero fights said captor.
III. Said damsel usually causes the hero to be defeated only to have the hero come back moments before their own death to defeat the bad guy.
#7 Law of elven arrow inexhaustibility
No elf ever runs out of ammo unless they are completely outnumbers cornered or walking through a town that happens to have them for unbelievably high prices.
I. Legolas, did he ever run out of arrows? I mean really noone has plenty of arrows all the time right? Or half the other elves in that series.
#8 Law of inverse lethal magnitude
The destructive capability of any object is inversely proportional to how cool it is designed, wielded, or fired.
#9 Law of transient un-attainability
Face it unless youre the hero, elven brides are off limits. Youre stuck with the bar maid or the stall maid in whatever dusty and or muddy town you find
I. No princesses either
II. No sorceresses as well
III. Face it you cant have any woman that is not your average run of the mill farm maiden. You dont get a happy ending your not the hero you just get to live a normal wife with Ulga the pig farmer. Though sometimes the hero ends up here as well then you both share the crap lifestyle though for him it doesnt last long.
#10 Law of hemoglobin capacity
The human body carries up to 8-10 gallons of blood divide that for all hero/heroines tutors close friends and or mentors.
#11- Law of militaristic unreliability
All armies are unreliable and need back up no matter the situation. Rescue is usually one of these corollaries.
I. Another army rides in just as defeat is immanent of the first.
II. An army is rescued form sudden defeat by an explosion of said element that controlled the enemy army and they snap out of it or drop dead.
III. A band of heroes come riding in with magics, swords, arrows, and any other number of battle changing tactics.
#12 Law of battlefield logic
When ever a group of five or more single heroes go up against an entire army no matter the mass or strength the heroes always win.
I. said group will be immortal of sorts. They will always loose one member or two in the middle of the battle but hours or even days later they are always found healed back to health and seen wearing some sort of medical bandage during the coronation of the main hero of the group.
II. Form first tier. The case of said immortality is not always so and said coronation is a funeral of fallen comrade. Immediately after the heros lead themselves on a vengeance quest.
#13 - law of weapon user-benevolence
The formal training required for any bladed weapon is proportional to the class of said hero upon receiving it.
I. a peasant receiving a sword will know only basic moves whereas a knight receiving a sword will already be a master in mere moments
#14 Law of weapon user-ignorance
The formal training of any magical weapon is proportional only to magic endowed classes.
I. If a knight receives a magic rod he will end up using it as a makeshift club.
II. If a peasant gets hold of a magic rod he will assume he can sue it till he inevitably burns the whole village down or whatever building he is in. same goes for Orcs and the like.
#15 Law of anthropomorphic antagonism
All ugly non human races are hostile and hell bent on destroying or ruling the human race for some obscure reason.
#16 Law of group collectiveness
When heroes group together it tends to be in groups of five to nine rarely ten in said group there are always five main slots for heroes.
1) Main hero
2) Secondary hero
3) The elf
4) The magic user
5) The dwarf or thief
Between all of the heroes, there are these skills
2) Weapon repair
3) Magic skills training
6) Weapons training
7) Armor repair
#17 - Law of inverse attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want said mate. Basically the more they want it the less chance it will happen
#18 Law of thievery omnipotence
Always send a thief to do the hard work. Hell get it done in half the time with twice the complaining.
19 Law of inverse weaponry
The power of a magic or non magic weapon is inversely proportionate as to the wielders/protectors knowledge of it.
I. the more popular it is the more useless it is, unless it is coveted by the evil power hungry whomever that wants it.
#20 Law of magical weaponry
Any and all magical weapons are usually stored in vast dungeon, plain sight, in or under a rock or some other bizarre place. In most cases a treasure chest that requires at least five different keys two magic spells and very skilled thief.
#21 Law of dragon eradication
The only way a hero can kill a dragon is first to have a shield knocked from his hand second his sword and third to be half swallowed by it only to cut free of it with a hidden knife killing it in a violent gory way.
I. the villain will always try to persuade the good guys dragon to come to the dark side if that fails he will end the dragons life but not before torturing his rider for information.